About My Journey:
I started actively trying to lose weight in February of 2010. Since then, I’ve lost a lot and I continue to lose
Some might say I’m losing too slowly (actually, no one has ever said that to me), either way my goal is not to be the first to the finish line, but to stay in the race for a lifetime. I want to learn how to be healthy and lose weight in the process.
Here’s something I wrote early on in my journey:
Today, I read a great blog post called “Love Your Body Where it Is” by Laurie Gerber of The Daily Love. In the post, Gerber says, “Stop being mad at the world that you are judged by how you look. You already judge yourself by how you look– not because you are shallow and mean, but because, deep inside you, you know the difference between treating yourself with love and treating yourself like crap, and you are way more proud when you make choices of self-love and self-respect. This is inescapable, not a product of society.” This is the perfect summary of how I view my weight and the perceptions of others. I moved from being a victim and conforming to society’s perceptions, to accepting the harm I was putting myself through, and finally deciding on, and working towards, my health and happiness.
At my heaviest, I knew people believed that meant I was lazy, unclean, had money trouble, emotional, and other personal problems. Honestly, I was probably guilty of many of those things. I was totally bitter about it, however, feeling and claiming I was a victim of bad genes and society’s pressures to be beautiful. The ultimate truth, however, was that I was really depressed and didn’t have the proper help and support I needed to overcome it. So, I ate my feelings, felt worse, and because I knew how I was perceived, I started to act the part. Giving up was easier than fighting to keep my head above water.
My mom said to me the other day that we punish ourselves for being fat. We don’t allow ourselves to do or enjoy things like activities or clothes because, “I’m too big to go to the beach” or “I’ll never wear a size 20,” is easy to believe. So, we deny ourselves experiences because of our weight. I really think this is true. We treat ourselves negatively, and as a result, society follows suit and treats us accordingly. Before I started really working to improve my life I had to come to terms with this reality. I had to admit to myself that, while yes, genetics play a part, I was really the guilty party for continuously and systematically punishing myself and not loving myself enough to take control of my life.
My Epic Weight Loss Journey, despite its moniker, is not ultimately about weight loss. Even from the very beginning it has really just been about searching for and finding my strength and self love and documenting the never ending process and journey. Its about learning responsibility for my actions AND INACTIONS and taking proactive steps towards self love, self respect, and living the life I want regardless of how anyone perceives me. The only perception that ultimately matters now is my own and if I can be proud of the effort I made in a day (even if it’s tiny!), I’m happy.